Resentment can be a real killer of sex drive

Resentment can cause us to suppress certain feelings (anger, sadness, etc.) that can then lead to reduction of being able to be warm, affectionate, curious, awake enough towards our partner. Its no wonder we “aren’t in the mood.”

What’s funny is that with resentment we want to hold on to it with a death grip, thinking that we can’t show that we are sad or angry about what is going on. We can’t appear weak. We can’t let him/her get off easy (no pun intended). We must win in this instance, and we do so by not forgetting what happened and certainly not losing the control.
The problem here is, no one wins.

 

Holding resentment is a major killer for sex drive, whether you find yourself just “not in the mood” or you are purposely withholding affection/sex.
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Sounds like a no brainer, but sometimes we forget that our partner is not psychic, or we make the wrong assumption that are partner is SUPPOSED to know something when we never told them in the first place. Have you let him or her know how the imbalance of chores or the fact they opted out of taking the kids to soccer practice 2 weeks in a row?
When we don’t interact w/ what is going on around us or call out whatever feeling is coming up for us, we end up storing this within our own body as discomfort. Over time of not interacting or calling out the situation/feeling, it builds and builds until we either shut down or blow up. When we are able to call out, or give name to whatever that is that we are feeling, we don’t store it within ourselves and it passes through. Whether it becomes resolved at that point or not isn’t so much the point as that was communication is. And through communication, you can actually get somewhere with your partner.
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What’s worse is that resentment and reduction of physical affection causes growing disconnect with your partner both in your day to day life and energetically as you become more and more self-reliant to resonate on your own energy OR grow into feeling depleted or lacking.
So what to do about this?
1. Communicate what is going on for you. How is *insert event* affecting you? What do you need from your partner? i.e. “I felt ** when ** happened. I need/want you to do **.
2. Set boundaries. It is crucial for the health of you and your relationship to know your limits so you don’t become over-exerted or depleted in energy. Let your partner know how much you are willing to do and then no more. It is your responsibility to maintain this boundary. Meaning: don’t do the dishes if it was decided by the two of you that that was going to be your partner’s job. Otherwise your partner may become conditioned to not respect your boundaries, knowing that you will give in after awhile. (now I understand this is not black/white and situations regarding children are very different).
3. Discuss your expectations of sex. No two (or more) people come into a relationship w/ the same exact meaning/expectations/desire levels for sex. This means discussing what your initiating sex behaviors look like; what gets you aroused; time of day you prefer; sex as a stress reliever or spiritual connection or duty, etc.
4. Make your relationship a priority. We live in a society that is constantly on the go and we wear many hats with many responsibilities. It can be easy to allow our relationship and sexual needs fall to the way-side if we aren’t paying attention. Sometimes this requires us to set up a sex-date in the week, send dirty text messages during the day, get a babysitter for the kids for a night, etc.

 

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  1. […] reduced generosity towards giving you or your partner pleasure. Check out my article on resentment here. Partner not taking care of themselves physically and emotionally Has your partner let their […]

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