Sometimes Planned Spontaneity Is Sexy

Busy brain? Busy life? Busy body?

I got you.

Many MANY times I work with couples who tell me that they just don’t have time or that they struggle with remembering to get flirty or do something sexy for their partner in the day or I give assignments for them to get playful or frisky and it doesn’t happen because their mind was already too full and their body was too exhausted.

In my earlier posts I talk about underlying reasons why we may use the convenient excuse of “I don’t have time.” From fear of intimacy to feeling pressured to give something more to painful sex, these are all valid and need to be tended to to work through; however, you can’t just keep using the ‘busy’ excuse or you’ll find your relationship deteriorate. I get that we’ve created our world and society with this pressure to produce and keep busy, it isn’t helping us come together to build connection and intimacy. We need to make a conscious choice for sex, love, relationships a priority again.

Now, because we perform so many roles in the day–we are mother, wife, sister, CEO, driver, chef, writer, manager, etc.–we sometimes forget about sex. It’s as if we must  compartmentalize some of these roles or parts of ourselves in order to be present and perform the other tasks at hand. “I can’t be sexy when I’m being a CEO.” Ok, but do you pick your sex appeal back up or do you leave it detached from you and in a box under your bed next to your bunny slippers?

So maybe we need to plan sex out in our schedule to make sure it happens according to our (and our partner’s) preferred frequency of sex. But we need to keep it sexy.

Has your idea of initiation become:  “Hey babe you wanna have sex later tonight?”

And how does this leave you feeling? Super aroused, or more like an obligation or something to cross off the to-do list?


How do we plan for flirting, plan for sex, plan for intimate encounters, and still be spontaneous?

Maybe you set ambiguous alarms on your phone so only YOU know they are a reminder to send your lover a sexy or flirty text.

Maybe you create an environment at home that is conducive or reminds you of sex. Do you have a photo that reminds you of sexy times with your partner? Do you have a shared inside sexy joke or trinket? How about incense or colors or music that sets you in that mood?

Maybe you become a sly, sneaky little minx and decide not to tell him but you spend all day in your mind playing out exactly what you’re going to do that evening.

Maybe you drop little hints here and there to build some form of anticipation that your partner knows is coming but doesn’t know what’s coming. Maybe you tell her PART of the fantasy only to leave her hanging until you decide to play the rest of it through with her.

Maybe you make an agreement with your partner about when and where, but you choose a location that is NOT your bedroom or in your current routine.

Maybe you set a time, but your initiation of the act is out of routine and spontaneous and not your typical grab her butt.

Maybe sometimes when you’re around him you catch his eye, linger, then keep walking towards your destination. Maybe you do this with touch as you walk by.

Maybe a make out is just a make out, leaving your partner wanting more.

Maybe you practice mindfulness and body awareness so when you all of a sudden feel the subtle flicker of arousal in your genitals you make a quick decision to pounce on your lover (or yourself if they aren’t there. the more you engage sexually, the more sex hormones you produce, the greater and more frequent your desire).

Pure spontaneity may not be feasible in your relationship right now, and that’s OK. Busyness is our lives, and yet we can’t let it be the reason we don’t engage intimately with our lovers. You CAN bring eroticism and excitement and sex and flirting and play and ‘seemingly spontaneity’ back into your lives. But you’re going to have to give some effort.

Whether you’re planning it, fantasizing about it, setting alarms or environmental cues, or teasing your partner with snippets of potential play. It’s time you take charge and responsibility for the jump.

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