Sex for pleasure is a complex concept.
While conventional sex suggests an image of stick tab A into slot B and wiggle around, this image is quite limiting and quite frankly, gets a bit boring over time. Yet this image is perpetuated by social images of male to female penetration, orgasm (maybe), rest.
But what if this isn’t exactly enjoyable, fun, or possible for everyone? Does this mean that’s it??
But you’ll have to embrace a curious mindset take responsibility for discovering your own pleasure potential and communicating this to your partner.
What do you want?
Have you ever had someone ask you this? You may have blanked out or turned the question back to them or blurted out anything, even if it wasn’t what you really wanted. That’s because this is a LOADED QUESTION, and can be difficult to answer if you’ve never given yourself permission to explore and figure it out for yourself.
Even if you’ve had sex a million times, if you weren’t really present to what was occurring, you may have missed what it was they (or you) were doing when a surge of pleasure washed over. Here I give you a few ‘tips’ to help you get the sex life full of pleasure.
Learn about how your body works.
Knowing the anatomy and physiology of your own body can be a POWERFUL tool to helping you pleasure yourself and teach your partner how to pleasure you. Your penis or your clitoris are powerful points of pleasure, but do you know all of how they could operate? Do you about stimulating your lady’s labia minora/majora, mons, g-spot, internal extention of the clitoris? Or how about your guy’s p-spot (internal/external), testicles, head vs shaft, anus? And then how the stimulation of various parts ALL OVER THE BODY??
Open the entire body to increase sensitivity.
Starting sexual activity with a massage for both men and women can help relax and open the body to become more sensitive to touch and pleasure. Being as busy and production-driven as we are, we can often get very tight in the muscles of the body, causing our sensory receptors to be less open to sensation. If you don’t have time to go into a full massage, focus on one area of the body like the muscles of the chest and shoulders or the back. Or you can sit/stand connecting forehead to forehead with your partner while taking three slow deep breathes to calm and sync your central nervous systems for groundedness in the body and clarity in the mind.
Different strokes for different folks.
Each of us have different ways in which we like to be touched. We won’t know this until we’ve experienced it. Next time you’re engaging sexually, don’t be afraid to ask what your partner is doing that feels so good. OR set some of your playtime with the intention to just explore and discover: “This hour let’s just play around and try some of these different strokes I’ve seen/read about.” Great places to check out for new ways to stroke/lick/suck your partner or at least start a conversation around it: OMGyes.com and books Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides, Daerick Gross Sr., Passionista and She Comes First by Ian Kerner Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz (see my Resources page for more)
Solo practice time.
Spend some quality sexy time with the best sex partner ever…YOU! You are the only person who can really understand what is pleasurable to YOUR body. Set up a time and space conducive for self-play and exploration in which you can fully relax into the experience. This means: giving enough time that you won’t feel pressured to wrap up fast; location that will be uninterrupted; physically when you are not already sleepy or overwhelmed with obligation; environment that is clean, comfortable, and maybe even sensual or sexually inspiring (music? incense? soft pillows? sexy music videos?).
Update your inner script.
Do you hold memories or cultural/familial messages that are contributing to shame and inhibition? These are more than likely causing your body to contract or your mind to be elsewhere than your bodily experience, which will kill any chance for experiencing pleasure. Time to see which ones are no longer serving you. Time to see which ones we can replace with more helpful beliefs. Time to work with a professional to help you process the trauma. Time to reclaim your own body and your own freedom. You do NOT need to feel the way you are feeling for the rest of your life.
Check out a workshop or program.
Male multiple orgasm? Cosmic full body orgasm? Kinky breath play? Whips and bondage? There’s a workshop for that. Your sex life is only limited by your imagination. And THAT, my dear, is infinite…if you let it be. Check out online or in-person training for all kinds of potential experiences see discover what you never knew you might like. Or if you decide you don’t want to actually bring any of these things to life, they can be new material for fantasy!
May this just be the beginning of your ever-evolving pleasurable sex life. Just remember this is play and treat it as such. It’s not personal to you or your partner if you come across something that you or they don’t care for. It’s all individual preference. Have fun as you move forward.
I’m cheering you on.