Not enjoying sex? You’re not alone.
Men and women alike sheepishly reveal to me “I don’t really like sex.” And they feel guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. What they don’t realize is how often I hear this.
Our society is inundated with images of sex. We flip through magazines and see ads selling us a burrito that’s being eaten by two incredibly hot girls in bikinis. We watch movies that have steamy shower sex where no one gets water in their eyes or slip and fall while trying to maneuver in the stall. We talk to our friends about how out-of-this-world the sex was with the girl last night. We talk about sex like everybody is doing it and everybody wants it.
But what we aren’t seeing and saying is how many people aren’t enjoying their experiences and continuing on a trajectory of having bad sex because “that’s what they are supposed to do.”
And why is that?
While there are many reasons that this is (and I will cover these in future blog posts), the one I will cover today is that many people struggle with intimacy.
Intimacy is the process and act of being able to let your guard down, show up as your authentic self and be met with love and compassion. It is being vulnerable and trusting the other won’t harm you. It’s being able to accept and share in your partner’s inner-world and experiences.
Intimacy is in the emotions you express, the physical touch you give and receive. Intimacy is being physically nude in front of your partner. Intimacy is looking your partner in the eyes while you orgasm.
We struggle with intimacy because we are afraid that if we show up as ourselves then we will not be received positively.
Because often times WE don’t receive ourselves positively.
And when we don’t receive ourselves positively, it shows in how we approach sex. We are not able to be present.
We are not able to be in the body experiencing our incredible sensations because we are too concerned how our partner sees our body.
We are bypassing foreplay because of how intimate and close it forces us to be. Consequently, we aren’t spending ample enough time preparing the body and our female bodies especially may experience dryness, tightness, pain, and NO orgasm (or maybe you’ll get a faked orgasm).
We aren’t giving ourselves permission to explore.
We are engaging in mechanical sex solely using what we learned through porn and “sex how-tos”, and not feeling WITH our partner or ourselves to understand what wants and needs are moment-to-moment.
We aren’t asking what we want.
And when we can’t ask for what we want, then of course we aren’t getting the sex we want. And we aren’t enjoying it.
Does this resonate?