Feel INTO your partner
This past weekend a friend of mine was teaching me a few fun dance spins and flips. Now I’m not the most coordinated when it comes to social dancing like tango or salsa. I typically I get caught up in the head trying to work the correct footing and movement that I end op jerking around and breaking toes. I prefer the uninhibited flow of my arms, hips, and spine without any predetermined step or movement. And maybe this is because I’m able to be present in my body and am mentally aware that I can’t get it wrong. Conversely, when you add the structure of dance steps and a partner who is leading, I often find myself either trying to lead myself or losing track of my own and my partner’s body movements for the sake of the “correct” foot placement.
At one point in this particular dancing lesson, an older gentleman came and interrupted (He must have taken pity on my flailing arms and legs or was afraid that I might end up hurting someone). Taking my hand into his, he asked me to gently press back into his hand palm with equal pressure when he pressed forward. As he moved my hand up and around, we stayed in easy contact. My movement with his remained relaxed, fluid, and seemingly natural without jerking around or getting caught up with how I was supposed to be moving. He explained to me that dancing with another person works best when you are feeling INTO your partner.
“You don’t have to know where you are going, you just have to be present to where you are and how you are moving with me.”
In wondering what I was going to write about next, I found myself thinking about this experience and how it related to sexual intimacy with our partners. How often we get stuck in our heads about our performance or what we “should” be doing that we lose that deeper connection and natural rhythm of moving with our partner. As a result we experience sex that is more mechanical, jerky, or quick and goal-oriented rather than sensual and smooth.
Next time you are kissing or being sexually intimate with your partner, take a moment to feel INTO them physically, mentally, and emotionally. Physically feel into them by syncing with the rise and fall of their breath. Maintain gentle pressure head to head or neck inspiring the same gentle pressure pressed back. Physically feel where your partner is holding tension or see if you can bring your attention here to help them release and relax back into you. Mentally feel for when your partner shifts in and out of attention. Watch that you don’t shame them for this (we are human and our attention wanders), but instead make contact with their attention and draw them back into the experience. Emotionally, can you feel into their current state? Are they authentically feeling sad, nervous, scared, excited? Instead of ignoring what you are sensing from your partner, or quickly moving past it, acknowledge it either through soft eye contact, words, or soft and reassuring touch. Proceed only when you feel your partner meeting you with equal pressure back
Sexual intimacy is like a dance. When you can be fully present and connect into how your partner moves and feels with you, your experience can become more electrifying and passionate. As your partner moves—physically, mentally, and emotionally—try to move with them and match pressure. Just as my dance partner instructed me to gently press back into his hand as he pressed into mine as he guided my arm around, see if you can stay in the same equal pressure of contact in movement with your partner. Bliss out on what depths of ecstasy and connection you discover here.
And be well,