“There is a yearning behind every defensive stance.” Virginia Satir
Our universal yearnings are to be loved, wanted, valued, recognized, nurtured, accepted, and respected. To belong, to matter, to have meaning and purpose. All human beings have these yearnings in common. They are present under all of our behaviors.
Wanting to be physically and emotionally close with someone is a natural human desire. So what happens when our head tells us this is what we want, but the energy we are putting out is closed to the possibility?
We start a relationship only to end it soon after, or never commit to being called a “relationship” or “boyfriend/girlfriend (and all variations of). Happier alone, yet lonely we are alone.
Does any of this resonate with you? You’re not alone (no pun intended). Many young adults are experiencing anxiety when it comes to relationships, often resulting in their avoidant tendencies towards them. The best place to start in changing this for yourself is looking at the underlying beliefs you hold that are influencing how you think, feel, act.
For some it is the idea of committing to one person and believing that doing so is preventing them from being available to one who is best suited for them. I often see people fall in love and over time begin to pick out minor “flaws” of the other person. Over time these picked out flaws create enough of an ill picture of the person that one distances themselves. Easier to break off a relationship when you’ve already moved on emotionally.
For others, they are driven by the physical feel-good brain chemicals that are present in the initial phase of beginning relationships. Love the thrill of the chase? Or that initial passionate feeling of being with the other person? Of course you do! The problem occurs when you have the belief that this physical feeling will be present for the rest of the relationship duration, and that once it is gone or less than, then time to move on. This initial affect on the brain and body fades over time. Studies show anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. I’m not saying it will go away completely, but we build a tolerance and need more stimulation in order to continue receiving the same physical feeling, or rush.
Some crave the intimacy of a relationship and fear it at the same time. We want to be connected, to feel secure, to be loved, yet that will require us to be vulnerable and take a major risk with sharing who we are. Yikes. I’ve heard so many make the same statement that they put walls up and are guarded. What are you guarding from. Hurt? Assuming you’ve felt it before in some area of your life or another. And you are ok. And you will continue to be ok. “The wound is the place where the light enters you”~ Rumi